Unlike my colleague (aka brother) who finds it necessary to diet utilizing every possible fad at the same time -- is he really cleansing / eating green / utilizing portion control at the same time? This must be a disaster in the making. Notice the one thing that isn't present is exercise. Hmmm... how many different ways can we force our bodies to digest the same crap without providing it with the necessary stimulation to kick it in to high gear? I digress....
Last night... I set the stage for a awesome start to the morning. As the kids are with the grandparents, we had the opportunity for that "night out dinner" that happens oh so infrequently. We chose... after much intrepidation (calling friends, inviting them out, realizing that they have to work at 4:00 in the morning) the Timberlodge Steakhouse. First visit to this "Home of 10,000 Steaks." Yes, they began in Minnesota. Tucker, our waiter who was all too eager to begin serving us asked, "Can I interest you in a Coca-cola beverage or something from the bar?" Honestly now... if you looked at me, I am not the guy who typically joins the ranks of "Muffy darling, may I please have a beverage?" Luckily, my wife isn't either. She interrupts Tucker's speech, bring me a Bud Light - draft. Yes a woman who likes to drink beer. That is all another post for another day. I have the same... Bud Light draft. (no beer wars here... just like the stuff). Back to the meat of it. My order for the night.... Buffalo Hot wings / Salad / and a shot at that 16oz Top Sirloin that is on the special menu for $18.99. This combined with my wife's order for King Crab made the waiter's night -- a big tip coming, if he doesn't screw it up! Yeah we aren't cheap skates... we had great service.... and after stuffing my entire meal, half a loaf of bread and 3 tall Bud Lights down my esophagus we tipped him $25 on the $80 meal. Which brings me to my point....
Approximately 12 hours later.... while cooking hickory smoked bacon which I will have to introduce you to probably later this evening, I have an intestinal urge that cripples me. I yell to my wife, "Honey you are in charge of the bacon!" (I turn the stove on low just to be safe.) Entering my favorite porcelain post (I don't have a view of the field -- actually just a large mirror to see the clear profile of my ass on my favorite spot. I too, have a large selection of magazines and books (since my kids also enjoy a good poop -- I have to shuffle through the Clifford books and Harry Potter novels) to read. I pick up this weeks ESPN the magazine and being reading about the Indy 500 this weekend.
...Ok so I need to take a moment to comment to everyone that believes that they truly know me now... yes the image you had in your head before is becoming much clearer now that you know I like auto - racing. Actually, I am a NASCAR fan, Jeff Gordon (no -- I don't think he's gay), but I am interested in the Danica Patrick photos in the mag :) -- see the guys figured that out from the beginning...
Ok -- So back to the pot. My opportunity this morning, while crippling in the kitchen, seems to be a little slow on the pick up. I have to push a little to much. As a matter of fact, I have resorted to "rock back and forth" method of bringing the turd out to play. Peristalsis comes to mind... but I am pretty sure that refers to your upper digestive system. After a few steady rocks and turning the light out for added concentration... I have liftoff! The 16oz Sirloin and Buffalo wings have begun their flight to freedom! Realizing this turd is going to certainly clog by it self I have to interrupt my moment of joy with a quick flush of my low flow toilet. The turd breaks off due to the persistent swirling and I am pleased to hear the glug, glug, glug, informing me that it indeed made it through the S curve. I am free to push the remaining steak and wings out and I leave this for a while to enjoy the rather pleasant aroma. Did that Tabasco sauce really not digest? Holy crap my hole is hot! But hey, those wings were good!!! (I would do it again.) following this 6 inch purty turdy was the beer turd. Now... for all of you non imbibers... a beer turd is a thing of joy and trepidation. First off.... to use Knopul's terms, it is soft-serve. It usually, depending on the amount of beer you drink leaves a nice track as it comes out. It almost prepares the "encore turd" for a quick exit. Which... accordingly follows in quick fashion. This bother me a bit... but glancing at the full roll of toilet paper I relax, knowing that I would be ok.
This was a 6 wiper. I actually had to brace myself with my left hand as I wiped my ass to 'DIG' in there and clean it out. I am not really a fan of the race tracks... so I like to be clean. Given, the multiple flushes and the next to 14 gallons of water I have used (approximately 1.5 GPF - 9 flushes) unfortunately this double roll of extra strength Charmin still clogs... That is ok. I have an incredible plunger right behind the door. I stand up... no I don't pull the pants up and begin to plunge the after effect labor of this incredible turd experience. This causes all of this lovely Charmin to break up in a million pieces allowing a partial flush. This follows with a prompt 'Super Plunge' (rapid fast plunging almost as if you were involved with something else). This plunge always works... half the bowl is empty before i flush and I allow the plunger to be fully covered by H2O prior to flushing to rinse it off. Off to the corner behind the door it goes!
Washing with Softsoap sucks. I mean, really it looks nice and all on the counter, but I think back to the days when I washed up on the porch of my grandmothers (again to the memories aforementioned by Knopul) washing with a Lye soap. It felt like sandpaper! It was wonderful! You never questioned whether it was working....
Time to eat have 16oz of Hickory smoked bacon to help the next turd come out to play...
Acryliasac
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