Unlike my colleague (aka brother) who finds it necessary to diet utilizing every possible fad at the same time -- is he really cleansing / eating green / utilizing portion control at the same time? This must be a disaster in the making. Notice the one thing that isn't present is exercise. Hmmm... how many different ways can we force our bodies to digest the same crap without providing it with the necessary stimulation to kick it in to high gear? I digress....
Last night... I set the stage for a awesome start to the morning. As the kids are with the grandparents, we had the opportunity for that "night out dinner" that happens oh so infrequently. We chose... after much intrepidation (calling friends, inviting them out, realizing that they have to work at 4:00 in the morning) the Timberlodge Steakhouse. First visit to this "Home of 10,000 Steaks." Yes, they began in Minnesota. Tucker, our waiter who was all too eager to begin serving us asked, "Can I interest you in a Coca-cola beverage or something from the bar?" Honestly now... if you looked at me, I am not the guy who typically joins the ranks of "Muffy darling, may I please have a beverage?" Luckily, my wife isn't either. She interrupts Tucker's speech, bring me a Bud Light - draft. Yes a woman who likes to drink beer. That is all another post for another day. I have the same... Bud Light draft. (no beer wars here... just like the stuff). Back to the meat of it. My order for the night.... Buffalo Hot wings / Salad / and a shot at that 16oz Top Sirloin that is on the special menu for $18.99. This combined with my wife's order for King Crab made the waiter's night -- a big tip coming, if he doesn't screw it up! Yeah we aren't cheap skates... we had great service.... and after stuffing my entire meal, half a loaf of bread and 3 tall Bud Lights down my esophagus we tipped him $25 on the $80 meal. Which brings me to my point....
Approximately 12 hours later.... while cooking hickory smoked bacon which I will have to introduce you to probably later this evening, I have an intestinal urge that cripples me. I yell to my wife, "Honey you are in charge of the bacon!" (I turn the stove on low just to be safe.) Entering my favorite porcelain post (I don't have a view of the field -- actually just a large mirror to see the clear profile of my ass on my favorite spot. I too, have a large selection of magazines and books (since my kids also enjoy a good poop -- I have to shuffle through the Clifford books and Harry Potter novels) to read. I pick up this weeks ESPN the magazine and being reading about the Indy 500 this weekend.
...Ok so I need to take a moment to comment to everyone that believes that they truly know me now... yes the image you had in your head before is becoming much clearer now that you know I like auto - racing. Actually, I am a NASCAR fan, Jeff Gordon (no -- I don't think he's gay), but I am interested in the Danica Patrick photos in the mag :) -- see the guys figured that out from the beginning...
Ok -- So back to the pot. My opportunity this morning, while crippling in the kitchen, seems to be a little slow on the pick up. I have to push a little to much. As a matter of fact, I have resorted to "rock back and forth" method of bringing the turd out to play. Peristalsis comes to mind... but I am pretty sure that refers to your upper digestive system. After a few steady rocks and turning the light out for added concentration... I have liftoff! The 16oz Sirloin and Buffalo wings have begun their flight to freedom! Realizing this turd is going to certainly clog by it self I have to interrupt my moment of joy with a quick flush of my low flow toilet. The turd breaks off due to the persistent swirling and I am pleased to hear the glug, glug, glug, informing me that it indeed made it through the S curve. I am free to push the remaining steak and wings out and I leave this for a while to enjoy the rather pleasant aroma. Did that Tabasco sauce really not digest? Holy crap my hole is hot! But hey, those wings were good!!! (I would do it again.) following this 6 inch purty turdy was the beer turd. Now... for all of you non imbibers... a beer turd is a thing of joy and trepidation. First off.... to use Knopul's terms, it is soft-serve. It usually, depending on the amount of beer you drink leaves a nice track as it comes out. It almost prepares the "encore turd" for a quick exit. Which... accordingly follows in quick fashion. This bother me a bit... but glancing at the full roll of toilet paper I relax, knowing that I would be ok.
This was a 6 wiper. I actually had to brace myself with my left hand as I wiped my ass to 'DIG' in there and clean it out. I am not really a fan of the race tracks... so I like to be clean. Given, the multiple flushes and the next to 14 gallons of water I have used (approximately 1.5 GPF - 9 flushes) unfortunately this double roll of extra strength Charmin still clogs... That is ok. I have an incredible plunger right behind the door. I stand up... no I don't pull the pants up and begin to plunge the after effect labor of this incredible turd experience. This causes all of this lovely Charmin to break up in a million pieces allowing a partial flush. This follows with a prompt 'Super Plunge' (rapid fast plunging almost as if you were involved with something else). This plunge always works... half the bowl is empty before i flush and I allow the plunger to be fully covered by H2O prior to flushing to rinse it off. Off to the corner behind the door it goes!
Washing with Softsoap sucks. I mean, really it looks nice and all on the counter, but I think back to the days when I washed up on the porch of my grandmothers (again to the memories aforementioned by Knopul) washing with a Lye soap. It felt like sandpaper! It was wonderful! You never questioned whether it was working....
Time to eat have 16oz of Hickory smoked bacon to help the next turd come out to play...
Acryliasac
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Good Morning to all....
Well let me first introduce myself.
I am your average middle aged white guy destined to become more in tune with daily life. I have found that after 3 decades of growing up that all the BS you were taught in life actually does not matter that much. What people really want is reality (just reference your latest prime time lineup).
I will introduce you to several (did I really try to spell the word nuiances there?). I will introduce you to several of the daily experiences that just so happen to center around.... my poop and a little bit more. This is not for the faint of heart. Read ahead at your own risk.
Acryliasac
I am your average middle aged white guy destined to become more in tune with daily life. I have found that after 3 decades of growing up that all the BS you were taught in life actually does not matter that much. What people really want is reality (just reference your latest prime time lineup).
I will introduce you to several (did I really try to spell the word nuiances there?). I will introduce you to several of the daily experiences that just so happen to center around.... my poop and a little bit more. This is not for the faint of heart. Read ahead at your own risk.
Acryliasac
Friday, May 23, 2008
Driving in the Left Lane, CMON!
To all of you jerks who think you can regulate my speed by driving in the passing lane, what is wrong with you people?
Watching the news over the last few years and hearing of more and more road rage cases ending up with someone dead, I realized I needed to relax when I drive and not let the fucking idiots on the road up set me so much. My top ten list of how I don't lose my fucking mind when driving with a bunch of morons:
Watching the news over the last few years and hearing of more and more road rage cases ending up with someone dead, I realized I needed to relax when I drive and not let the fucking idiots on the road up set me so much. My top ten list of how I don't lose my fucking mind when driving with a bunch of morons:
- Leave early, if I'm not late I'm a lot more relaxed
- If I'm late just call and let them know, again the relaxed thing
- Don't eat, drink, text, talk in the passing lane, tip inserted here to morons
- Say goose fra baugh, goose fra baugh, goose fra baugh (ty Anger Mgt.)
- Sing I'm So Pretty (ty again)
- Your not really out to get me, your just an inconsiderate asshole
- Call the state police and report the fucking idiot for ....."I'm not sure he may be drunk"
- Listen to christian music on my way in, relax (hypocrit)
- Change my route occasionally
- Don't let the assholes Take Your Day
Stumbleupon
www.stumbleupon.com
If you haven't discovered stumbleupon yet. You deserve to. What a wonderful way to explore the internet. It works quite simply. You set up a free account, install the software, select some things that interest you, and click the stumble button. I have found the most amazing and creative web sites. I have wasted 4.3 months of my life thanks to it as well.
Enjoy!
Knopul
If you haven't discovered stumbleupon yet. You deserve to. What a wonderful way to explore the internet. It works quite simply. You set up a free account, install the software, select some things that interest you, and click the stumble button. I have found the most amazing and creative web sites. I have wasted 4.3 months of my life thanks to it as well.
Enjoy!
Knopul
Blogging about POO
Blogging about poo is just a chance for me to comment on a few of the nuances of life that regularly concern me. It's a way to vent and clear the air with little or no chance for an argument unless I wish to carry on one. One of my favorite topics as I have grown older, is the condition, consistency, and frequency of my Poo. This Blog will help to carry my voice and concerns to all with similar worries.
As I set-up this very blog I had to pause to "drop the kids off at the pool", take a Poo, or if your really dense drop a turd. Now I have been on yet another annoying little diet. Mainly consisting of eating smaller quantities of food cutting back on white stuff, eating lots of greens, and the primary benefit has been a regular soft turd on at least once sometimes twice a day basis. (Loss of 10lbs so far) Today's turd was the first in 3 days!! I knew I was in for a rough time as I was cleansing using a product known as Isagenix. I will blog on Isagenix some other time. Three days ago I ate nothing drank lots of water and had the always delicious Isacleanse, followed by day 2 doing the same thing. My lovely greeted me last night with a meal and that ended my 2 day fast a few hours early. Today I continued back to a normal diet smaller portions etc. I had not yet had a bowel movement in well over 2 days and was growing a bit concerned.
At some point in my life, around 30-35, I began to really notice when I had to go Poo. It was more difficult to wait and I began to realize the tightness in my lower abdomen was a juicy turd waiting to be set free. The awareness one acquires in bodily functions is very intriguing as one ages. I noticed pants were less tight, I slept better, and my mood improved when I was regular. I also began to notice that I was having more trouble with constipation. Now I had been constipated before, but this constipation would result in painful, what I call butt plug turds that you really have to work on to get them started. The initial difficulty would be followed by any number of diaretic stools from straight chocolate milk to soft serve. On a good night, the wipe would be clean in no more then 2-3 wipes. This was not a good night.
I knew I was in trouble. The cramp in my abdomen began and I knew soon the intestinal push would require my immediate attention. I proceeded to my favorite restroom, with a lovely view over looking a field. In front of me are several magazines, National Geographic, and nature related material. I take my cell phone as always and decide whether to a. play a game or b. read the news. It looks stormy out so I decide to check the weather. I'm surprised by the fact that I hadn't updated my weather since last Sunday. Then the first push begins. Time to grip the counter to my left, hard with my hand. My breathing quickens and I feel as though I'm splitting in a place I shouldn't be splitting. I realize I'm holding my breath and the pain is way to much to take. OK, now I'm not even close to this thing coming out. I think back to going through those birthing classes long ago, and how you can't push if your breathing or some such thing. I know another push is coming and I know I have to get through a bit of pain and then I'll be OK. I begin breathing as a lady in labor might. Wow the pain is amazing and finally the butt plug turd plops in to the toilet. I catch my breath, and flush the toilet, damn low flow toilets. I focus back on the weather, check the news, and flush 4 more times before I realize it is now time to wipe. Turned out to be a pretty good poop.
The WIPE!
Sometime around 8-10 years of age I clogged my grandmothers toilet up. It's amazing what you recall so vividly from your childhood. She took me back in the bathroom and showed me how to pull only so much off of the roll, fold it, wipe, and then fold it again, using the same portion of sheets multiple times. I had adopted the pull off as much as you can so your fingers have no possible way of touching poo technique. To this day, I never take a poop without thinking of that lady when I wipe my ass, no Freudian comments thank you.
I have three rolls to choose from. I select the smallest roll in front of me, do my fold thing, and wipe, not bad but a very bloody wipe. The next wipe indicates it was merely a fissure I split or some such thing. Flush, two more wipes, clean as a whistle, and done.
I feel much better now.
Knopul
As I set-up this very blog I had to pause to "drop the kids off at the pool", take a Poo, or if your really dense drop a turd. Now I have been on yet another annoying little diet. Mainly consisting of eating smaller quantities of food cutting back on white stuff, eating lots of greens, and the primary benefit has been a regular soft turd on at least once sometimes twice a day basis. (Loss of 10lbs so far) Today's turd was the first in 3 days!! I knew I was in for a rough time as I was cleansing using a product known as Isagenix. I will blog on Isagenix some other time. Three days ago I ate nothing drank lots of water and had the always delicious Isacleanse, followed by day 2 doing the same thing. My lovely greeted me last night with a meal and that ended my 2 day fast a few hours early. Today I continued back to a normal diet smaller portions etc. I had not yet had a bowel movement in well over 2 days and was growing a bit concerned.
At some point in my life, around 30-35, I began to really notice when I had to go Poo. It was more difficult to wait and I began to realize the tightness in my lower abdomen was a juicy turd waiting to be set free. The awareness one acquires in bodily functions is very intriguing as one ages. I noticed pants were less tight, I slept better, and my mood improved when I was regular. I also began to notice that I was having more trouble with constipation. Now I had been constipated before, but this constipation would result in painful, what I call butt plug turds that you really have to work on to get them started. The initial difficulty would be followed by any number of diaretic stools from straight chocolate milk to soft serve. On a good night, the wipe would be clean in no more then 2-3 wipes. This was not a good night.
I knew I was in trouble. The cramp in my abdomen began and I knew soon the intestinal push would require my immediate attention. I proceeded to my favorite restroom, with a lovely view over looking a field. In front of me are several magazines, National Geographic, and nature related material. I take my cell phone as always and decide whether to a. play a game or b. read the news. It looks stormy out so I decide to check the weather. I'm surprised by the fact that I hadn't updated my weather since last Sunday. Then the first push begins. Time to grip the counter to my left, hard with my hand. My breathing quickens and I feel as though I'm splitting in a place I shouldn't be splitting. I realize I'm holding my breath and the pain is way to much to take. OK, now I'm not even close to this thing coming out. I think back to going through those birthing classes long ago, and how you can't push if your breathing or some such thing. I know another push is coming and I know I have to get through a bit of pain and then I'll be OK. I begin breathing as a lady in labor might. Wow the pain is amazing and finally the butt plug turd plops in to the toilet. I catch my breath, and flush the toilet, damn low flow toilets. I focus back on the weather, check the news, and flush 4 more times before I realize it is now time to wipe. Turned out to be a pretty good poop.
The WIPE!
Sometime around 8-10 years of age I clogged my grandmothers toilet up. It's amazing what you recall so vividly from your childhood. She took me back in the bathroom and showed me how to pull only so much off of the roll, fold it, wipe, and then fold it again, using the same portion of sheets multiple times. I had adopted the pull off as much as you can so your fingers have no possible way of touching poo technique. To this day, I never take a poop without thinking of that lady when I wipe my ass, no Freudian comments thank you.
I have three rolls to choose from. I select the smallest roll in front of me, do my fold thing, and wipe, not bad but a very bloody wipe. The next wipe indicates it was merely a fissure I split or some such thing. Flush, two more wipes, clean as a whistle, and done.
I feel much better now.
Knopul
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)