Blogging about poo is just a chance for me to comment on a few of the nuances of life that regularly concern me. It's a way to vent and clear the air with little or no chance for an argument unless I wish to carry on one. One of my favorite topics as I have grown older, is the condition, consistency, and frequency of my Poo. This Blog will help to carry my voice and concerns to all with similar worries.
As I set-up this very blog I had to pause to "drop the kids off at the pool", take a Poo, or if your really dense drop a turd. Now I have been on yet another annoying little diet. Mainly consisting of eating smaller quantities of food cutting back on white stuff, eating lots of greens, and the primary benefit has been a regular soft turd on at least once sometimes twice a day basis. (Loss of 10lbs so far) Today's turd was the first in 3 days!! I knew I was in for a rough time as I was cleansing using a product known as Isagenix. I will blog on Isagenix some other time. Three days ago I ate nothing drank lots of water and had the always delicious Isacleanse, followed by day 2 doing the same thing. My lovely greeted me last night with a meal and that ended my 2 day fast a few hours early. Today I continued back to a normal diet smaller portions etc. I had not yet had a bowel movement in well over 2 days and was growing a bit concerned.
At some point in my life, around 30-35, I began to really notice when I had to go Poo. It was more difficult to wait and I began to realize the tightness in my lower abdomen was a juicy turd waiting to be set free. The awareness one acquires in bodily functions is very intriguing as one ages. I noticed pants were less tight, I slept better, and my mood improved when I was regular. I also began to notice that I was having more trouble with constipation. Now I had been constipated before, but this constipation would result in painful, what I call butt plug turds that you really have to work on to get them started. The initial difficulty would be followed by any number of diaretic stools from straight chocolate milk to soft serve. On a good night, the wipe would be clean in no more then 2-3 wipes. This was not a good night.
I knew I was in trouble. The cramp in my abdomen began and I knew soon the intestinal push would require my immediate attention. I proceeded to my favorite restroom, with a lovely view over looking a field. In front of me are several magazines, National Geographic, and nature related material. I take my cell phone as always and decide whether to a. play a game or b. read the news. It looks stormy out so I decide to check the weather. I'm surprised by the fact that I hadn't updated my weather since last Sunday. Then the first push begins. Time to grip the counter to my left, hard with my hand. My breathing quickens and I feel as though I'm splitting in a place I shouldn't be splitting. I realize I'm holding my breath and the pain is way to much to take. OK, now I'm not even close to this thing coming out. I think back to going through those birthing classes long ago, and how you can't push if your breathing or some such thing. I know another push is coming and I know I have to get through a bit of pain and then I'll be OK. I begin breathing as a lady in labor might. Wow the pain is amazing and finally the butt plug turd plops in to the toilet. I catch my breath, and flush the toilet, damn low flow toilets. I focus back on the weather, check the news, and flush 4 more times before I realize it is now time to wipe. Turned out to be a pretty good poop.
The WIPE!
Sometime around 8-10 years of age I clogged my grandmothers toilet up. It's amazing what you recall so vividly from your childhood. She took me back in the bathroom and showed me how to pull only so much off of the roll, fold it, wipe, and then fold it again, using the same portion of sheets multiple times. I had adopted the pull off as much as you can so your fingers have no possible way of touching poo technique. To this day, I never take a poop without thinking of that lady when I wipe my ass, no Freudian comments thank you.
I have three rolls to choose from. I select the smallest roll in front of me, do my fold thing, and wipe, not bad but a very bloody wipe. The next wipe indicates it was merely a fissure I split or some such thing. Flush, two more wipes, clean as a whistle, and done.
I feel much better now.
Knopul
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